


Lessons Learned

by whumphoarder



Series: Lactose Intolerant Peter [5]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce Banner is Uncomfortable, Drabble, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Lactose Intolerance, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 12:23:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20582456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whumphoarder/pseuds/whumphoarder
Summary: After years of watching Peter stuff his face with every dairy-laden delight that crossed his path only to later find the kid curled up in a miserable ball of pain and regret, Tony had long since given up hope that his lactose intolerant dumbass of a protégé would ever learn his lesson.It was simple. Peter loved dairy, so Peter ate dairy. Consequences be damned. And Tony was done trying to stop the inevitable.





	Lessons Learned

**Author's Note:**

> As this is a story about lactose intolerance, you'll have to forgive me for getting a bit cheesy.
> 
> *ba dum tis*
> 
> So... today marks the one year anniversary since I posted my first Marvel fic, [Spider-Man's Very Mundane Kryptonite](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15936917))! Back then I had no way of knowing all the fun I would come to have in this fandom and the awesome friends I would make through the stories we create here together. Y'all are pretty rad :D
> 
> To commemorate this occasion, I offer you one final installment in the Lactose Intolerant Peter saga. Enjoy!
> 
> (Thanks to [awesomesockes, ](https://awesomesockes.tumblr.com/)[sallyidss](https://sallyidss.tumblr.com/), and [xxx-cat-xxx](https://xxx-cat-xxx.tumblr.com/) for beta reading, ideas, and just generally being stellar fic writing buddies <3)

After years of watching Peter stuff his face with every dairy-laden delight that crossed his path only to later find the kid curled up in a miserable ball of pain and regret, Tony had long since given up hope that his lactose intolerant dumbass of a protégé would ever learn his lesson. 

It was simple. Peter loved dairy, so Peter ate dairy. Consequences be damned. And Tony was done trying to stop the inevitable.

So that’s why it came as a complete shock when, during Morgan’s sixth birthday party, Tony entered the kitchen just in time to witness the kid politely decline a helping of Bruce’s beloved au gratin potatoes.

“Ah, yeah, no thanks. I probably shouldn’t…” Peter told the scientist with a regretful sigh. “They look really great though.”

Frowning, Tony crossed the kitchen in three quick strides. Moving between Peter and Bruce, he abruptly pressed the back of his hand to the kid’s forehead. 

Peter stepped backward, startled. “Whoa, what are you doing?”

“Checking for a fever,” Tony replied briskly. He glanced back to Bruce, who seemed confused by the scene unfolding in front of him. “Does he seem feverish to you, doc?”

Bruce coughed awkwardly. “Uhh, I’m not really that kind of—”

“Huh?” Peter interrupted, his brow wrinkling at Tony. “What are you talking about? I’m fine.”

“Well, _ something _ is clearly not right if you just turned down your favorite food combination.” Tony paused for a beat. “Cheese-covered starch.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “C’mon, it’s not like I’ve _ never _passed up dairy before…”

“_Yeah_, kid,” Tony scoffed, “it pretty much is.”

“Is not,” Peter argued. He shot a glance over to Bruce. “Tell him, Dr. Banner.”

Bruce looked like he’d rather be anywhere else at the moment. “I don’t really, uh, pay much attention to what Peter eats…”

“Bullshit,” Tony retorted. “You and I both know he’s a lactose-guzzling fiend.”

Bruce began, “Well, I wouldn’t say _ that_, just—”

“_Oh my god_, Mr. Stark,” Peter groaned, cheeks flushing red. “Only you could make me regret _ not _ eating dairy.”

Tony held both hands up in front of him. “Hey, I just want to know what changed,” he said, his tone innocent. “I want to know why, after years of me wrestling ice cream and cheesecake and pizza and those goddamn calzones from your death grip, you’ve finally decided to stop with the self-inflicted torture sessions.” 

“Maybe I just don’t want to get sick anymore,” Peter retorted. “Maybe I’ve learned.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Tony cast the teenager a skeptical look. “Uh huh, sure.”

Peter mirrored his mentor’s posture, staring at him defiantly. Tony stared back just as intently.

(Bruce, meanwhile, side-stepped quietly away.)

After nearly a minute of their silent staring contest, Peter caved. “_Fine_,” he huffed in frustration. “It’s because Morgan asked me not to.”

Tony wasn’t expecting that. “She what?”

Peter shrugged. “She said she doesn’t like it when my tummy hurts. It makes her feel bad.”

Tony blinked at him. “Peter. That is what I’ve been telling you for _ years_.”

Peter shrugged again. “Yeah, but she was more convincing about it. _ And _ she promised me Skittles later if I was good.” He smirked wryly at his mentor. “You’ve never promised me Skittles, Mr. Stark.”

Tony ran a hand exasperatedly over his face. “Kid, I swear to god…”

**Author's Note:**

> I think this series has finally come to an end. It's been a fun journey—thanks for bearing with my eternal love of making thinly veiled poop jokes <3
> 
> (If you're one of the two people here who can't get enough of lactose intolerant dumbass Peter Parker, there is one more bonus drabble to this series, which can be read [here](https://whumphoarder.tumblr.com/post/183969643930/so-like-what-if-peter-manages-to-disable-his))
> 
> Comments are always appreciated <3  
Come and hang out on tumblr if you'd like! My url is [whumphoarder](https://whumphoarder.tumblr.com/)


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